Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
(With apologies to Ms. Stewart)

December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3: Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6: Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7: Debug Windows '95 December 8:Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from your backyard bee colony. December 9:Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment, and mail to all your friends and loved ones. December 10:Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11: Lay Faberge egg. December 12: Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13: Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17:Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of chicken wire. December 19:: Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22: Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23: Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24: Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scene scented with homemade potpourri. December 26: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27: Build snowman in exact likeness of Michelangelo's Moses. December 31: New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. This just in from the Tally Household: Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it. Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. - Author Unknown, but thoroughly appreciated